Gnawing!

Atu Amma Nanna. Todaputtina Vadu. Itu na inko prapancham. Ooha teliyani vayasulo enduku na kutumbam ala undo telidu. Telise natiki appudu unna aa konta asha oorata kuda levu. Evari evari jeevithalu ekkadekkadiko prayanalu. Oke chota leni gamyalu; bhoutika gamyalu okate kadu manasikanga kuda kalisileni jeevitalu.

When did it all start? I question myself.
When I was a kid maybe of 3rd or 4th grade. That fateful day when my dad opened up to me about his pain filled childhood. That day when I shed tears profusely for him. I was moved and my heart ached for the pain he had suffered all through his life; I was a child myself. Later on I grew up with one solid aim in my mind, to have a home of our own in which I wanted my parents to be happy, in which I wanted to see them happy, which of course I could never realize. I think that was the age from which I gave up living for myself and my whole life began to be a race for me - the race that I was running NOT for ME but for OTHERS, albeit my own parents. I think that was the day that maybe I can definitely say as the day that I lost myself.

Add to all this the childhood abuse (verbal and physical - getting beaten up), no finances to meet and create opportunities, all the violence to witness at home, perfect chaos, isolated family down-looked upon by closely living family circles and relatives. Spending time alone on the terrace looking up at the stars for God knows how many long hours at a stretch being the only escape from my reality.

A major impact would be when I decided that my dad could not afford to educate me in the stream of my choice - to be a doctor, which my dad himself was (but not a fortunate one at that, we were financially never affluent. We were living just barely ends ever being met).

Came the break after my 12th grade where I took upon myself to support my father financially. Then it became a race for earning. Settled for a job instead of pursuing my studies further. During that time, there were days when I had earphones plugged into my ears into the middle of the night just to cut off noise at home that was keeping me awake in bed tossing around, just to get a couple hours of shut eye to be able to get on with my next day at my ever-draining work.

Tensions at home were always high and hardened as I was but was brittle and susceptible and vulnerable and alone. So I made the decision of getting married to a man who loved me (loves me?) but whose up-bringing was not adequate in many ways to make him a wholesome individual. I poured myself out into this new role, of being a supportive wife, into making this person a whole individual.

We are both broken in many ways on the inside than most people can see. In-laws have a totally different set of expectations irrespective of your background, how you have come to be you. In fact, it is not even significant that you be you at all. Not that they are totally bad people, but there is a line which, them crossing, will definitely suffocate you to no ends. There were demands upon demands that were placed on me inadvertently which further caused the death of the person that was left of me on the inside but there was no time for grieving that loss. Came two more dependents along the way - to whose needs maybe we are unable to cater as I consider both of us to be inadequate to be parents.

At 35, I am drained of all energies than most people my age. I am depressed, socially self-isolating, narcissistic traits, self diagnosed BPD? insomniac (sometimes self-made) and what not. I feel useless and like a big heap of nothing.

At a time when there was value in me (any sort of value), people were close (at least pretended to be). Now I am in an abyss and I have no one to talk to about my dark places. Now I am a mere prisoner of a jail of my own making - my mind.

Sometimes, this mind spins beautiful verses and sometimes it just palys a deadline and pushes me over the edge. I yell, I scream, I cry. I have forgotten to laugh, to sing, to listen to music, to run. Everyday is just a routine of mundane chores - repeating in an endless cycle. I am living this life praying every second to die. This is not a life that anyone should be living.