Trauma and the real me

The Happy-go-lucky girl with always a smile.
That's the image I had created for myself for acceptance from the world. The young and naive me that is.

The know-all-the-pain and feel-all-the-pain me does not remember to smile that often. I have to constantly remind myself to smile.

Pain attracts pain. Abused ones welcome abusive relationships and may turn into abusers themselves.

Irony-of-life.

Children of lesser god : live and die as children of lesser god?

Not much of...

Not much of an Inspiration
Not much of an Influence
Not much of a Motivation/ Motivator
Not much Important
Not much to be remembered of....


Is that it - ME?

Kinds of memories

Painful ones - I wish I could forget

Sweet and distant ones - I wish they were not mere memories but my present reality

Bittersweet ones - I am resentful for making me a skeptical person not able to trust anyone

Joyful memories - I wish they would last a lifetime

Repressed ones - I wish upon NO-ONE ever!

Unravelling and falling apart!

It has been a whirlwind of emotions for me the past two years.
Memory upon memory of pain just pouncing upon me from the ugly shadows of past.
Did not know that I was holding them in for too many years and stood strong so far.
Weathering them all and fighting my way forward.
All for what? To come to a pit-stop?
I question myself, "Did I not value myself enough and made myself too readily available for people that people stopped considering me human and took me and my time for granted?

Cutting down on my circle of close ones has made me realize that I am all alone and lonely too.
It is scary. I am falling apart and have no-one left to turn to.

I am counting down my days on Earth. My existence feels too painful to live.
No one knows the state I am in 'cause I don't show it out as usual - living away like nothing is wrong and delivering every duty of mine devoutly.

The fire inside me!

Someone said to me that I could not expect to see blossoms around me if there is only fire within me? Or something to that effect.

I never really got to see the blossoms and the beauty of it anytime ever in my life before.

I wanted to be that life and energy with which everything could thaw and bloom.

The garden that I tried to create, well, drained the life out of me.

Even before all of this, I was dumped a considerable number of times or denied the love/ life energy so I could blossom beautifully from within.

People who are hurt the most inside are the most cheerful ones on the outside. It is all but just an attempt of those people for the world to see them and accept them and not the ugly dark conditions that have made them accustomed to pain and hurt. Just them trying to show the world that they too are sensitive and beautiful people.

I tried to create something which I had no previous knowledge of. I have been trying with all of my sincere efforts. I have put my whole self into it. The problem is, when you put yourself wholly into something without holding back any reserves and that something doesn't come to fruition or does not seem to, you've lost everything that you could call YOU.

All this falls on deaf ears and hearts too but immune to all of this suffering 'coz those hearts, they know not what it is to struggle for everything that you are and everything that you have today.

There are deeper hurts than one can see or one can say. Some hurts resurface after ages, blissfully buried deep down by our own mind in self-preservation. I don't even know how far I was able to preserve anything that I can call SELF.

Death : Bit by bit

A piece of me died each time one of you gave up on me!

Love and Light

The SUN never says to the EARTH "you owe me".
Such love lights up the whole sky.

- Came across this somewhere on a TV show.
If we come to think of it, it is NATURE and everything that is in the creation :)

Amma!

If only you could see the numerous silent tears I shed for you and because of you.

Amma, if only I had understood how hard it is to be a mom with no support to lean on when you had breakdowns and meltdowns.

I have my two little ones to thank for the dawning of this knowledge on me.

Salvaging whatever little is left of you and keeping you in a safe and caring environment where your being is not undervalued or your very existence does not go ignored and unnoticed - this is my earnest wish and my own redemption.

Had I known the struggles you faced I would never have turned my back to you. I would have always been there with you, by you, for you.

My two little twinkles!

I want to cuddle you both close by me;
Didn't really know when time just flee.

Your smiles bring a twinkle in my eye -
Your tears churn my tummy.

Your little hugs and your little kisses
Just pour life in me.

Your little fights and your little mischiefs
Are the order of my day.

My two little twinkles
Just be together always, come what may!!


Your little feet and your little fists..... 😍😍😍😘😘😘

Journey to self-discovery

Boy! Is that hard. A reverberating YES!

My journey to a different country and my stay over there along with all the challenges it is throwing at me, the time to reflect upon myself and all the factors that have made me what I am today, the people that I have surrounded myself with and how they shaped my life that is now, every one of these happened owing to the fact that we chose to move thousands of miles away from our homeland. Just wish we had done that way sooner. 

'I AM AND I WILL BE'.

Vulnerability!

A person can only be vulnerable and show it before only a few true close ones. It is a huge disservice to them to being asked to shut down saying that being open about hurt and vulnerabilities does not do good to anyone in anyway. If that person is strong, then they will come out of the dark holes themselves and will know to love themselves. Warm Love.

Asking

I want some love, just kiss me.
Just hug me tight once, I want some comfort now.
Sing to me softly a tune, I want to fall asleep.
Pat my back and caress me, I don't want to feel a worry.
For, now is the time, else, lost it shall be.

The NOT material!

There are some people on Earth who are the NOT material.

- NOT love worthy
- NOT friend worthy
- NOT attention worthy
- NOT care worthy
- NOT encouragement worthy
- NOT anyone's time worthy
- NOT respect worthy
- NOT comfort worthy
- NOT kindness worthy
- NOT second-chance worthy
- NOT job worthy
- NOT human enough
- NOT good enough
- NOT beautiful enough
- NOT intelligent enough
- NOT rich enough
- NOT hard-working enough
- NOT lucky enough

Ironically, it is what other people think of them and these unfortunate people question if all of the above are valid statements of them every so often.

Vedana!

Kalalu chedirenu
Kanulu tadisenu
Nagavu veedenu pedavini
Manasu moogaboyenu

Kanula kunuku egiripoyenu
Nidura annadi ledika

Pata padina gontukana ika
Mata annadi raduga
Marenika mouname bhashaga

Vendi vennela mandutunnadi
Challaga churakala
Vekkirintala navvulu navvutunnadi
Minuku minuku merupula taraka

Strength!

It is said and believed that women have the guts to feel the depths of their emotion yet they are strong enough to walk through it to the other side.

BOW!!

Fun Roller-Coaster or a Rickety Ride?

Life, what are you?

Wings!

Give me wings and clear blue skies;
Friendly winds and I promise I'll soar heights.

Give me colors and a canvas;
I shall paint beautiful hues.

Give me love and pat on my back;
Cut the demands and give me some slack.

Give me a hug and gimme some flowers;
I am longing for all the love showers.

'cause I am but a human with a fragile heart.

Dear Life!

Dear Life,

Beat me down all you want; but, I shall get back up and get going. If not, there is not much to lose, 'cause in the end everything has to go down to dust/ stardust.

Broken Bridges

I have walked too far.
Far too long and now I am tired.

I have tried far too long to reach you
In any which way I could.

But now I am tired for it's been too long.

The bridge that I walked has aged and become weak. It is now too fragile and I am afraid, it may break.

I will not take one more step ahead. I will stay here and be. For, if the bridge falls, it will take with, whatever little is left of ME.