Trauma and the real me

The Happy-go-lucky girl with always a smile.
That's the image I had created for myself for acceptance from the world. The young and naive me that is.

The know-all-the-pain and feel-all-the-pain me does not remember to smile that often. I have to constantly remind myself to smile.

Pain attracts pain. Abused ones welcome abusive relationships and may turn into abusers themselves.

Irony-of-life.

Children of lesser god : live and die as children of lesser god?

Not much of...

Not much of an Inspiration
Not much of an Influence
Not much of a Motivation/ Motivator
Not much Important
Not much to be remembered of....


Is that it - ME?

Kinds of memories

Painful ones - I wish I could forget

Sweet and distant ones - I wish they were not mere memories but my present reality

Bittersweet ones - I am resentful for making me a skeptical person not able to trust anyone

Joyful memories - I wish they would last a lifetime

Repressed ones - I wish upon NO-ONE ever!

Unravelling and falling apart!

It has been a whirlwind of emotions for me the past two years.
Memory upon memory of pain just pouncing upon me from the ugly shadows of past.
Did not know that I was holding them in for too many years and stood strong so far.
Weathering them all and fighting my way forward.
All for what? To come to a pit-stop?
I question myself, "Did I not value myself enough and made myself too readily available for people that people stopped considering me human and took me and my time for granted?

Cutting down on my circle of close ones has made me realize that I am all alone and lonely too.
It is scary. I am falling apart and have no-one left to turn to.

I am counting down my days on Earth. My existence feels too painful to live.
No one knows the state I am in 'cause I don't show it out as usual - living away like nothing is wrong and delivering every duty of mine devoutly.

The fire inside me!

Someone said to me that I could not expect to see blossoms around me if there is only fire within me? Or something to that effect.

I never really got to see the blossoms and the beauty of it anytime ever in my life before.

I wanted to be that life and energy with which everything could thaw and bloom.

The garden that I tried to create, well, drained the life out of me.

Even before all of this, I was dumped a considerable number of times or denied the love/ life energy so I could blossom beautifully from within.

People who are hurt the most inside are the most cheerful ones on the outside. It is all but just an attempt of those people for the world to see them and accept them and not the ugly dark conditions that have made them accustomed to pain and hurt. Just them trying to show the world that they too are sensitive and beautiful people.

I tried to create something which I had no previous knowledge of. I have been trying with all of my sincere efforts. I have put my whole self into it. The problem is, when you put yourself wholly into something without holding back any reserves and that something doesn't come to fruition or does not seem to, you've lost everything that you could call YOU.

All this falls on deaf ears and hearts too but immune to all of this suffering 'coz those hearts, they know not what it is to struggle for everything that you are and everything that you have today.

There are deeper hurts than one can see or one can say. Some hurts resurface after ages, blissfully buried deep down by our own mind in self-preservation. I don't even know how far I was able to preserve anything that I can call SELF.