The journey of my driving license

My journey of getting my drivers license started in 2018 March (we were in Miami). Before taking the trip to Disney, we were planning for me to have a photo ID that did not have to make me carry my Passport. Thus started my journey of taking a Drug-and-Alcohol Influence course and test and then the knowledge test. Oh! What a day when I tried taking an appointment for my knowledge test at the DMV center for the first/ second time? Anirudh went missing in the Mall!! 😳 

I almost had an heart-attack/ panic attack. We found him after a good 10-15 minute search. But My! Those minutes were the hardest. I was shaken and visibly shaking and had to calm my nerves all while waiting in line for my turn. I went in, gave the test and passed. It cost us $60 for the license process. But the learners license wouldn’t be mailed to me before our trip. So I HAD to carry my passport. 

I never listened to Mr. Hubby about taking drivers lessons and getting my license (after road test, that is) in Miami due to the stupid reasons I made up in my mind - (I was scared to get in the car with a stranger in a place like Miami, we were going through a rough patch with regards to Hubby’s job and I thought my license was not such a pressing issue at that moment in time - stupid me 🤦🏻‍♀️

We then moved to NJ in July of  2018. I tried to restart the process all over in 2019. Prepared for the knowledge test. Went to a MVC center which did not administer knowledge tests. Wasted a whole weekend going there 💁🏻‍♀️

Went to another MVC center. Did not pass the first time as I had not revised the drivers manual in quite some time. Passed the knowledge test the second time in August / September of 2019. Took the number of a driving instructor from few neighbors. Called the person (an elderly person lovingly known as Alam Uncle, from Pakistan, moved to the U.S. in 40s and settled here. Said he was a teacher trainer or something of that sort meaning he taught teachers/ professors teaching techniques), scheduled driving classes (he insisted on 3 classes, I thought I was good with 2. Turned out he was more than right given that I cleared my road test on my 3rd attempt 🙁). During the lessons, when I was behind the wheel, it felt empowering to finally get out of the home and feel entirely free and sort-of independent to not be cooped-up in the house and just wasting away everything in me for the mundane daily stuff, escaping the feeling of not living my life for myself even a little bit. He usually kept talking about a lot of stuff like ZPG (Zero Population Growth), Bollywood songs from 60s, World issues etc. The drive lessons were mostly interesting. As my luck would have it, I had to give my road test 3 times before I got my license. The first time I gave my road test, I was almost finished and good when the examiner asked me something about the nose of the car, trying to hint to me that I was too close to the front cones. I, in my glorious stupidity tried adjusting the car when I hit the front cone, winning an automatic fail. The second time around I got so nervous that I struck down three spikes in the track itself - even before reaching the parallel park stage. Then the COVID-19 pandemic hit and I waited a good whole year before attempting to make one last road test appointment before the test permit document expired (which would have required that I restart the whole process all over). I was lucky enough to get my appointment just days before my document expired. This time I was very careful and kept my calm all through during the whole drive test process. I did the parallel park well and the K-Turn. It was time for the Reverse-Straight which I did ok-okayishly enough only(it was the easiest of all and I was a perfecto before), as I did not fully straighten the steering wheel in the other lane after the K-Turn maneuver (though I had gone a pretty decent distance in reverse), the examiner Mr. Dominic stopped the test process and gave me a pass - a green signal to get my license 😊 (I will be eternally very grateful to you for giving me the wings - figuratively that is, to feel a little empowered and a little better about myself). Thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving me a chance/ taking a chance on my driving skills. There aren’t many people (both in my past or my present), who do that for me. 

🙏🏻🙏🏻

Existing, barely!

Now-a-days (to be honest with myself - since a long ways ago), it feels like I have just been existing, but barely. I do not feel any joy, in fact anything at all except for pain. Pain that creeps in from unknown corners of myself. 

I know that that pain exists because of all the unhealed, unresolved childhood trauma. But is knowing alone enough to erase the pain or not feel it?

How have my choices later on in my life helped ease that pain? That is another question that keeps bothering me. They have not. In fact, in my marriage I chose a person and in turn a family that is as broken/ dysfunctional/ toxic as mine is, may be in a more noiseless and sophisticated way. But don't you think, the more subtle, sophisticated and more polished the toxicity, the more pronounced the after-effects are on the people who have survived it? At least if the dystopia is blatantly visible, the survivors know up front, on the face that something is very wrong with how the family dynamics are at work. In a dystopian family where the toxicity/ chaos is not visible unless you are looking for it(very keenly, that too), the survivors are just suffocated by something very elusive and invisible. it becomes too difficult to put a finger on it, but when the realization lands on the survivors, even pointing it out to the world makes the survivors guilty of blame-gaming, due to the sophistication in the invisible dystopian family.

I have had relationships in life (some, of my own choosing and others not so much), where I was fully emotionally and whole heartedly invested. But the result was that those relationships stole the light within me. 

Now I just bawl for hours on end for nothing. There is a seething anger/ rage in me that I cannot direct at anyone, anything. I am just so very miserable all day everyday. I am projecting everything onto the people that I have to be a pillar of support to. I have no motivation to work on bettering me or my financial situation. I am positively incapacitated to work on myself for having a career.

All I can ever think of is to end all this suffering. I don't find joy in living. I don't know why I exist but I do.

I have influenced many people (in my time), for bettering their lives. I had been there for every call of help for people. I don't see people standing for me. I am just empty. I know for a fact that I was a joyful soul, beaming with energy, always looking for the good in people, ever ready to help if people needed me, always marching ahead for betterment of lives I was a part of, ever-optimistic.

I don't know what I am now. Even when I took upon myself to look within, all I see is a hole, more aptly a blackhole.

When the timing was right for me to reach for my full potential, my financial situation and the circle of my support weren't right for me. Today, the spark within me has died and I think to myself that I have missed the timing to reach for my full potential. If people have not accepted me, I just wish that at least death hugged me in a warm and loving embrace.

Smile!

Hide your pain behind me - said the smile to me;

For,  it is when people saw me as a girl, happy-go-lucky;

Smile - when you are in pain, or suffocated or frustrated.

Smile - fake that you feel elated so you can be included and accepted.

Smile - So, people don't see that you are different.
Smile - So, to you, people are not indifferent.

Smile - So, people aren't scared away from you or your problems.
Smile - So, people can befriend you, no problems.

I have lived a lie my whole life, pasting a fake smile on my face and lips despite the heart rending pain deep within me; So people couldn't see it and I didn't want them running away from me scared.
No one in this world knows my journey. In fact, no one in this world knows anyone else' journey.

What do we mean?

 “I love you” means nothing if you treat the other person like a doormat.

“I am sorry” means nothing if you do not change your hurtful actions.

“I promise” means nothing if you do nothing to keep them.