Existing, barely!

Now-a-days (to be honest with myself - since a long ways ago), it feels like I have just been existing, but barely. I do not feel any joy, in fact anything at all except for pain. Pain that creeps in from unknown corners of myself. 

I know that that pain exists because of all the unhealed, unresolved childhood trauma. But is knowing alone enough to erase the pain or not feel it?

How have my choices later on in my life helped ease that pain? That is another question that keeps bothering me. They have not. In fact, in my marriage I chose a person and in turn a family that is as broken/ dysfunctional/ toxic as mine is, may be in a more noiseless and sophisticated way. But don't you think, the more subtle, sophisticated and more polished the toxicity, the more pronounced the after-effects are on the people who have survived it? At least if the dystopia is blatantly visible, the survivors know up front, on the face that something is very wrong with how the family dynamics are at work. In a dystopian family where the toxicity/ chaos is not visible unless you are looking for it(very keenly, that too), the survivors are just suffocated by something very elusive and invisible. it becomes too difficult to put a finger on it, but when the realization lands on the survivors, even pointing it out to the world makes the survivors guilty of blame-gaming, due to the sophistication in the invisible dystopian family.

I have had relationships in life (some, of my own choosing and others not so much), where I was fully emotionally and whole heartedly invested. But the result was that those relationships stole the light within me. 

Now I just bawl for hours on end for nothing. There is a seething anger/ rage in me that I cannot direct at anyone, anything. I am just so very miserable all day everyday. I am projecting everything onto the people that I have to be a pillar of support to. I have no motivation to work on bettering me or my financial situation. I am positively incapacitated to work on myself for having a career.

All I can ever think of is to end all this suffering. I don't find joy in living. I don't know why I exist but I do.

I have influenced many people (in my time), for bettering their lives. I had been there for every call of help for people. I don't see people standing for me. I am just empty. I know for a fact that I was a joyful soul, beaming with energy, always looking for the good in people, ever ready to help if people needed me, always marching ahead for betterment of lives I was a part of, ever-optimistic.

I don't know what I am now. Even when I took upon myself to look within, all I see is a hole, more aptly a blackhole.

When the timing was right for me to reach for my full potential, my financial situation and the circle of my support weren't right for me. Today, the spark within me has died and I think to myself that I have missed the timing to reach for my full potential. If people have not accepted me, I just wish that at least death hugged me in a warm and loving embrace.