Random!

moving out and moving in
each time, crushed within...
bading goodbye to yester's joy
by the moment, becoming more coy

the humming bird that got lost
knew not the price it had cost...

through the strength, she grew weak
spoke her words from a voice so meek

the ground secured melted so fast

(I don’t know when I wrote this/ or if it is from my collection, but came upon this one in my older emails somewhere.)

My childhood friend!

Rajitha,

Babe, this is for you! 

She and I were classmates in the 7th grade. She used to be very satirical and make fun of people, then. 

Initially, I did not take her satirical nature well. But we grew close. Don’t know how and when, but friendship was brewing.

There are countless times I went to her place. We used to eat to our stomach’s content the delicious food cooked by her mother. The variety of pickles (mixed vegetable pickle, the beans pickle, the cauliflower pickle, the bitter gourd pickle, just to name a few), were my favorites. 

Aunty and Uncle (her mom and dad), were always warm and welcomed me with smiles. 

Some days, in fact many days, I used to visit her place NOT to see her or be with her, but simply to ride her bicycle which she used to let me borrow and ride on for hours together before I returned it to her. I could not afford one of my own and she knew about it. She used to come to my place and we used to spend time together on the terrace of the building in which we were renting a small unit, or outside the gates of the building watching the flowing traffic and talking away as the evenings rolled slowly into dusk. 

She is the one who made me taste Pani-Puri (my mouth is watering already at the name) for the first time ever in my life and I developed a taste for it so much so that I used to eat them EVERY SINGLE DAY in my B.Tech years. I love them so much that even during both of my pregnancies, I did not let up on eating them to my heart’s content. 

She was the one who took me to the movies. MURARI and ANACONDA are the two movies that we watched together and then there was another one - THE TITANIC that we watched with the whole group of friends in our 10th grade. Memorable good times. I would give anything to just go back to those days. Pure joy to think about those times. I once remember, I had to apologize to you for something and when I did, you simply brushed it off and said that you were the one that needed to apologize to me for being mean to me with your words at times and how you wished for me to get out of my situation and see days filled with cheer and happiness. Those words are forever locked away in my heart dear. 

I remember the walks we took from the school to reach the bus stop. I remember the rocks on which sat in the school grounds where we solved our math problems. I remember the grounds where we played so many a running and chasing game. I remember looking up to you for learning from you the lightning speed with which you ran and wishing for you to win the race for our school sports day. I looked up to you for singing, for the very well maintained songs book, for the very many art skills that you had in you. You inspired me in many ways and I don’t think you ever had any idea of it. But you know NOW. 

This whole piece cannot put together in the least the impact you have made in my life. It is but a humble Endeavour to show you what you meant and still mean to me. 

I do not know if I ever have been the same kind of friend to you that you have been to me. I really hope that I did. My heart is filled with gratitude and love for you and I am lucky that GOD has given me such a good friend in you. Wishing you loads of love, cheer, joy, happiness, peace, success and most importantly GOOD HEALTH all your life.

❤️

My first driving lesson session!

5th November 2019!

Today was my first driving lesson session with a driving school instructor. And I felt really good about myself and my driving. In part maybe because the kids weren’t there in the car with me so my attention was undivided nor hubby so there was no room for unnecessary preoccupations/ chatter / discussions/ arguments in my mind.

My mind was a clean blank slate with just one point of focus - my attention on the road and my driving.

The instructor gave me some really nice techniques of maneuvering turns and they are really all a combination of simple mathematical principles and timing. What I have to do now is that, I have to practice really well so I won’t forget those simple techniques and they come to me naturally like my second nature. 

I look forward to a little more practice this week before I can schedule my next lesson for parking / parallel parking and K-Turn.

About today’s drive and the roads we took:

The first hour the instructor took me on main roads, highways and freeways for building my comfort with the steering wheel (having prior experience behind the wheel was an advantage). It felt like cake walk and there were 1-2 nice to know tips that I would definitely keep in mind next time onwards I go behind the wheel. I made a passing over (overtaking) a truck. Lane changing.

The roads were beautiful with the fall foliage (golden/ yellow/ red/ semi-green/ brown). The rains of the week before and the winds and a tornado warning did not make the trees all barren and empty and spared the beautiful foliage hues for ME to enjoy my drive. That’s how good it felt. ❤️❤️❤️
Weather was a nice 63 F with light breeze or no winds at all. It was as though the whole of the Universe had lined up just for me to be able to take in those beautiful sightings - a visual and sensory treat really, with no cares of the everyday life. And the ease with which I was handling the vehicle added all the more pleasure to my elated happiness, an overall lightness in my heart (which usually is not-so-light with too many crammed up permutations and combinations of life’s happenings/ non-happenings, events and occurrences - simply put, the IFs and BUTs). It surely boosted my overall sense of self and pumped my confidence. Those last five and a half years have chipped away at my sense of self-worth and confidence so much. I had hit rock-bottom the last couple of years. My life did not feel like worth living. Winters were the worst times. I refused to be beat by the situations and circumstances in life that I decided to slowly gather myself up and rediscover myself. But the sneaky annoyance called depression creeps upon me every now and then and finds new holes from where my self confidence slips and falls to the floor. Getting my drivers license is another step and a major one at holding my ever-slipping confidence on a visible/ noticeable and significant threshold pedestal. Today I felt a little closer to achieving that goal.

The instructor was a sweet old man about 90 years of age. He was from Pakistan originally. He was calm and composed and from the 2-hours of instruction that I received from him, I could tell that he could make anyone who came to him, calm down and learn driving comfortably. He made simple analogies and examples that anyone could easily relate and agree with, all the way while teaching any new technique. He spoke very good Hindi. We chatted about the commonalities of our places of origin (Hyderabad - TS, India: Mine and Hyderabad - Sind province, Pakistan: His place). He has been assisting new and beginner learners for many years now. Said that he did his Masters from NYU in 1939/40. He is a methodology teacher - meaning teaches teachers the techniques of teaching. He taught in colleges/ universities in his county, in the US, in Africa. We spoke about focus and relaxed techniques of learning and enjoying what one is learning for an enjoyable learning experience and everlasting mastery over the subject of learning. We spoke about “VASUDHAIVA KUTUMBAKAM” - every living form’s life and purpose. We spoke about movies and veteran Bollywood actors/ actresses - from a long time ago - only 1-2 of the names of them I could recognize.

Overall it was a pleasant learning experience.

-Cheers ❤️❤️❤️

August 10 - 2019 (a day the world lost a beautiful soul)

SOUMYA - I feel my heart heavily sinking at your sudden departing from this world. Your death is a loss of life that was yet to bloom. Some people may have cast you aside dismissing what you might have been thinking in the heart of your hearts - many times, or what you could be one day with enough support. My heart feels a sharp sting, an acute pain at the thought of what your life could have been with the right kind of people around you, with the right kind of support.
A mere 25 years, a youth of potential unfolding - it is not fair for anyone to be removed from the world just like that. Your demise has proved yet again how temporary life is - EPHEMERAL.

- In memory of Soumya Dacharaju (Raju Babai & Padma Pinni’s second child).

‘Tis 2:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep 🤣🤣

Just when I thought that my sleep problems have left me alone for good, here I am wide awake at 2:30 A.M.  🤣🤣🤣

My sleep problems are like my shadow, my second self. At least, have been for a while. They are funny in the sense that they play peek-a-boo with me every now and then, at just the right time(s) - when I relax and think to myself that I have been able to sleep ok-ok past few days. It is as though, I jinx myself.

Any good thought I think to myself, I am afraid I jinx myself.

Ok. Now, on a serious note - I wanted to write something about my school & childhood friend of about or maybe more than 25 years on here. Her friendship means so much to me and it should definitely have a place here. More about it in my next post. Adios until then and now my endeavor for falling asleep resumes in the hopes that I become successful.

Sunday - October 20th 2019

A beautiful morning!

It is late fall and the temperatures are in the bearable range of 40s-60s (F).

We had been to Dandiya Night at the Chinmaya Vrindavan of the tristate chapter, NJ., yesterday evening; well pretty late in the night. There was this energy at the venue and my body wanted to lose control and dance. But you know, it has been a long while since I have been truly myself. So, I was kinda rigid and not really confident in myself. But my daughter, beautifully dressed and with a nice hairstyle that I had just seen on the internet and tried so hard to do (came out pretty well), she went on with the vibe, found a friend of hers and dropped all her inhibitions and kept dancing with the crowd for most part of our time we stayed there. I promised myself, I will take her to such occasions as long as is possible for me. My son, on the other hand is not good in crowds. He wants to stay in a comfort corner in my lap preferably. That was that. We came back home pretty late and by the time we changed and I carefully stowed away all the precious dress up clothes and accessories, it was even later. 

Since my marriage, we haven’t been so much out-going as a couple or as family. And after coming to the U.S., it has been more so. At least back home, we would go to places as this one huge batch of people. It used be fun in its own kind of way; though, the lot were mostly under the umbrella of elders, the next gen of adults (or still kids as the elder batch called and regarded us) NOT an energetic, fun loving, out and out batch. So after coming to the U.S., it was mostly we as a family cuddled and snuggled together and watching T.V., family and kids movies most of the time (weekends). The times we went out, primarily constituted visiting stores for groceries and stuff. Shopping with a couple of kids who are always complaining, constantly hungry, tired of walking or are making it their own shopping trip - So, NOPE, not so much.

But, yesterday felt good. And I was really wanting to find the free spirited me and letting her loose in the crowd for dancing her heart out - was the only thing I was really wishing for. Surely, will do better next year. But I am definitely happy for my daughter and a little sad that this environment of enjoying ourselves no matter the occasion/ festival or not, was really something that needs place and BIG TIME in this family (here in the U.S. / back home). 

As I sat down writing all of this in the sofa, with the blinds wide open (after I rushed the kids and hubby to BALAVIHAR - I did not go today, we were late waking up ‘coz of the late night movie yesterday - THE KARATE KID, which by the way both my kids loved), I just noticed that the tree which is right outside our children’s bedroom and can be seen from my patio glass door, is flowering in the FALL season! Unbelievable, isn’t it!? The flowers are a beautiful baby pink. Nature and it’s mysterious ways of manifesting beauty in unbelievable and exciting ways. It is just this, the feeling of being close to nature and the reminder that life thrives even in unfriendly conditions (referring to the frigid temperatures that are about to come), is just what I needed. 

Thank you!

A Promise - Daily Gratitude!

I promised myself that if I want to heal, then I would look forward to jotting down somewhere (anywhere) the little / tiny things in my day that made me smile and I am thankful for.

Since this is the safe haven for my thoughts and where I know things can never really be lost/ buried, here I am. 

Even before deciding to write down these thoughts/ feelings, I have observed something. That is, I am starting to really take in my surroundings when I am outside, truly enjoy the fresh breath of air, glance at the sky and smile, look at the squirrels, trees, leaves, the moon, the stars and the list goes on. It was this same connection, being in nature and believing to be close to nature, that made me immensely truly joyful from within and kept me smiling all the time; Stronger too. 

Love you Mother Nature! 

Another important thing about healing is;

Acknowledgement. Of the pain that one has been through. The source of the pain. And believing that the pain was real and in no way inferior or insignificant than the pain of anybody else. After acknowledging the pain, it is very important that the person not blame oneself for that pain and misery. Next step is Learning to love oneself. Embracing ones flaws, mistakes, mis-judgements, blind trust and anything else that made the person an easy prey for people to give pain in return. Loving oneself warmly and whole-heartedly. And let me warn you, the process of healing is not a smooth ride but there will come a time when it surely begins to feel smoother. And that is the time when we get our focus back on track - on ourselves and our own life. This is the time that we can invest upon ourselves to become much much more better versions of ourselves. I say that because the pain given to us by other people has already made us BETTER and STRONGER. We just did not see it that way. 

- Cheers 

Heart of fire!

The heart of a woman who has been through fires,
Is so hot, she can endlessly share her warmth and still doesn’t go cold and die! - S.K.

WOMAN, you don’t need a MAN to protect you and shield you from forces trying to break you.
You are WO’MAN’ enough to protect yourself.
If the forces break you, no worries!
You CAN become much more fierce with flames burning like gold that have reinforced you.


The pain you gave me was drowning me.
But thanks to you, I learnt how to swim through it and stay afloat.

The pain you gave me set my heart ablaze.
I am using that fire and the embers from it to keep me warm.
You taught me how much I needed to love myself.


Many days, my brain is so fired up, I cannot fall asleep.
Why, we humans, capable of so much love, hurt each other and cause so much pain?



Happiness is good for the body. But, it is grief that develops the powers of the mind. - came across somewhere.

No one creates ideas and truths. They simply exist. We either see them or we don’t. : “How to be free” - Joe Blow

Behind the blinds of self-doubt, second guessing oneself and looking for external validation, is a greater self waiting to be expressed! - S.K.

LOVE!

My love is like water;

It flows and flows.

Many a rock it has broke 

Many a mountain it has crushed in its way;

Flowing with fierce speeds.

In the cold, it becomes solid ice;

Maybe to preserve itself and giving itself the much needed warmth.

It shall flow unto the ocean it shall reach to eternally rest.

Fighting through to find its way,

Calm and tired is it’s flow just before reaching its refuge.

I am my ocean, my refuge.

Long it took me to realize before 

Volcanoes, storms, deserts I have had to cross.



My soul flies weightlessly, wanders listlessly in the vast empty skies of my heart in search of YOU!

Food for thought!

POWER!

It is in human nature to think that some people have power over others.

But in reality, we give that power over us to a few people in our lives and we need to be careful in choosing them. - S.K

CHANGE!

Cause CHANGE and lead. 

Accept CHANGE and survive. 

Resist CHANGE and die.  - Ray Noorda


POWER OF THE MIND!

What the mind of a man can conceive and believe, it can achieve - Napoleon Hill


INFINITE HOPE!

We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope - Martin Luther King, Jr.


ADDICTIONS!

Loving, Dedication, Loyalty and Giving, if misplaced, can be dangerous addictions of the mind just like other dangerous addictions of the body. Careful where you place them; lest they cause you pain. -  S.K.


WALKING!

I walk slowly, but I never walk backward. - Abraham Lincoln


GETTING OVER!

It is easier to get over the pain of not having something than getting over something the mind of a person once thought to have had. Having and not having is just an illusion really! - S.K.


FAILURE!

Failure is not falling down, but refusing to get up. - Chinese Proverb


AIMING!

The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it. - Michelangelo

MOUNTAINS!

Climb mountains not so the world can see you, but so you can see the world.

STARTING POINT!

Not everyone starts at the same point in life. - S.K.


GREATER SELF!

The person who has started to look within, has naturally put oneself on the path to becoming I AM > I WAS everyday. - S.K.


FIRE AND BURNING!

God, you gave me this life and threw me in fires.
I have burnt all through in the flames and came out as shimmering gold! Thank you. - S.K.


WOMAN!

It is said that the WOMAN is forged from the rib cage of a MAN.
But isn’t it the womb of a WOMAN that formed the MAN in the first place?
The word WOMAN itself contains the word MAN in it. - S.K.


CAN & CAN'T

Think you can, think you can't - either way you're right. - Henry Ford


SILENCE

Silence is a product of too much noise up there! - S.K.

When your emotions choke up your words, silence/ tears becomes your language. - S.K. 

Silence is my best friend; When our words become mere noise to others, what better tool can we have than silence?
It is my ultimate refuge; When people and I can only see chaos, what best way than to reflect in silence? - S.K.


FOLLOWING THE CROWD

I don’t see or feel the need to follow the crowd anymore. I want to chart my own course. I want to write my own story. Is it such a bad thing to do? - S.K.


MY BLOG - MY SACRED SPACE

Do we need followers really? Is there a compelling need to be heard/ read/ understood BY people - who are busily working away at their realities? My blog is my sacred space; where I can come back to, to gather my thoughts and reflect upon what I hold dear to my heart, to ground and center me, to remind me of my values, to calm me. - S.K.

OUR GOOD AND OUR BAD

The kindness and goodness in us should be acknowledged and made known by others. Whereas, we ourselves should be aware of and know our own badness.  - S.K.


THE COMPANY WE KEEP

We all, either stoop or rise to the level of the company we keep. So, choose wisely. - S.K.

RELATING TO

We can’t relate to people if we never had same/ similar experiences. - S.K.

LOVE AND EMPATHY

Having love and empathy for oneself are pre-requisites for exuding those qualities for sharing with others. - S.K.

I am still a work in progress. Please bear with me. If it were not the case, a saint I would be. -S.K.

Parenting is a learn as you go process. It never came with a user manual. We try to do it better with each passing day; As did our parents do, with their time and life setting, in their own way! - S.K.

When a person’s light seems to be dull, it just might be that they are shining their light internally? -  S.K.

MY INFERNO: Constantly caught between Imposter Syndrome and knowing that I AM/ CAN be better. - S.K.

People who had to grow up real fast have not had a chance to grow up for themselves. - S.K.

Being realistic is better than being idealistic. Wouldn’t you agree? - S.K.

Depression does not differentiate between Having and Not Having! It is not a choice. If it had been, no one ever would choose such misery for themselves. - S.K.

SOME THINGS ARE MADE ONLY FOR THE TRUTH - Nikita Gill

There are a few things you must never say unless you mean them from the bottom of your heart. I love you, I am there for you and I’ll never leave you are words that should never be lies because that is how you tear a soul apart. 

POWER OF SAFE SPACE

Having a safe space (group of people) to have ‘UNCOMFORTABLE’ conversations with is worth more than just having a space (group of people) to have just feel-good conversations with. But right now what we see is that - that space is shrinking and fast for many of us. - S.K.

STRAIGHT TREES

Just like straight trees are felled first - the world doesn’t appreciate people who speak their mind. - S.K.

FEELING STRONGLY

After too much hurt and feeling strongly, people shut down or shut other people out or both of these can happen - ‘cause the heart that feels strongly is the heart that hurts deeply. - S.K.

CRUEL WORLD

World generally is a cruel place, especially for people who are different. - S.K.

CROWDED HEART

It is a good thing to let people into your heart. Just be careful to not let it get so crowded that there isn’t any space for yourself and those who matter. - S.K.

OUT OF LOVE FOR YOURSELF

Offering your heart (Love &/  Kindness &/ Time &/ Attention) to people is a good thing. But let it not be too much of a good thing that you find there isn’t any left for yourself. 

SHOWING UP FOR EVERYONE

People who show up for everybody often times forget to show up for themselves.

SAFE HAVEN - OUR BRAIN

Sometimes our brain is our only safe haven where, we can disintegrate, collapse, cower, die a million deaths and all of it with no bars held and without being judged.

Maybe, that is all that happens with most people with mental health issues. 

PEOPLE & THRONE

“If you put someone on a throne, they’ll have no choice but to gaze down upon you.”

LEFT BEHIND

The people who hold the door for others for too long are the ones that are often left behind and unacknowledged.

YOUR TRUTH

Owning your own truth can be hard but not as hard as spending a lifetime running away from it. 

 

Success!

Sometimes in some cases i.e., GOD is biased and favors some people to others.

Despite that there are people who fight each day.

SUCCESS is not a measure of how much wealth one has acquired or what one’s accomplishments are.
SUCCESS is fighting ones demons each day untiringly and the unwillingness to get Knocked Down.

You!

Forever etched in my heart!
You are, in me, an integral part.

Love needn’t be loud; yet beautiful it can be.
Love is beautiful suffering; suffering quietly.

❤️ My Love ❤️

One foot in front of the other!

This is what I am trying to do right now.
Life is overwhelming and I am lonely.
The constant inner ramblings of my mind.
The constant pain I feel in my heart, of a lost youth full of life, potential and promise;
Of love that was unreciprocated and distant.
The feeling of weightlessness of falling; of having no ground under my feet.
The constant inner noise that keeps me up night after night.
I will go on - and try so as not to affect anyone, especially my little ones.
I have to keep making and renewing the same promise to myself - that I will keep going.

Proof!

Growing up, I felt the need to prove to my parents that I was a good child, a responsible one.
In my teenage years, like anyone my age, I felt the urge to prove to my beloved that I was worthy.
At my job, I struggled to prove myself to my superiors.
In life, after marriage, I have had to prove to my in-laws and spouse, my core values.
It is easier now when my kids are still young, just to be there for them and not having to prove anything to them.
How I wish it could be the same for the rest of my life (with them).

Sunlight!

Playing hide-n-seek are we, now?

Casting beautiful shadows 

Of everything in your way;

Just like our memories of yesterday.

Throwing your light on beautiful things 

Holding the on looker in awe

Wondering ‘How beautiful is that?’

Touch of life!?

Some people touch our hearts and pour life into us.

But when they leave, they leave us dead-alive.

My first and my last (never again and none in between).


Relationships and people are of two kinds;
Few make us WHOLE
And few make HOLES in us.

Woman!

Every woman is a working woman! But only a few (of the women) get paid.

~ came across this one somewhere.


Woman is a perfect form of creation. Man is an error.

~ also came across somewhere.

A child’s soul

A child’s soul is fresh, tender, soft, pure, innocent, fragile, full of warmth and love , curious, forgiving, easily forgetting, joyous, brimming with energy, truthful.

It is important that all of us try and maintain that inner child in all of us ALIVE and indulge in any tiny activities that bring us immense and pure joy. Or maybe indulge the inner child and be a little naughty and mischievous.

My love!

My love, love me so I feel like a leaf fluttering in the breeze
Hug me so tight to squeeze the air out of me
Kiss me so I feel like I am floating weightless in the grand Cosmos
Sing to me so that the melody of your voice never ends
Pour your love over me like the purest of rain drops
Talk to me ever so softly with silence of eyes as our language
Laugh with me like the blossoms of wild flowers
Be with me like the eternity of Mother Nature
O my love, this is what Bliss is

Warmth!

The warmth of the Sun melts away the coldest of Ice and Snow.

Beautiful!

Your eyes are beautiful - ‘coz they are filled with a million dreams.
Your lips are beautiful - ‘coz they always smile the heart melting smile.
Your hands are beautiful - ‘coz they give without withholding.
Your heart is beautiful - ‘coz there is a tiny little space for me in there.

The lesser versions!

Am I -

- the lesser version of someone's child?
- the lesser version of someone's sibling?
- the lesser version of someone's closest cousin?
- the lesser version of someone's friend?
- the lesser version of someone's true love?
- the lesser version of an ideal wife?
- the lesser version of a daughter-in-law?
- the lesser version of an ideal mother?
- the lesser version of me?

I have to try!

I know I am ordinary.

I don’t know if I can become extraordinary at something.

But I have got to try and try I will.

-SK

A million tiny dreams ☺️

I want to star-gaze at the night sky - with you!

I want to see sunrises and sunsets on the horizon - with you!

I want to soar the skies above the clouds - with you!

I want to dive deep into the blue waters of the oceans - with you!

I want to dare the waters of speedy rivers - with you!

I want to feel the naughty cold breeze across my face - with you!

I want to jump and dance in the rain - with you!

I want to cuddle cozily in a warm blanket on a cold snowy day- with you!

Denial!

Is denial so powerful?
Love deprivation from childhood, rejections and no admiration/ acknowledgement / respect for someone’s being - I think all that teaches a person not to love oneself.

Since I was always an insignificant, immaterial, irrelevant, invisible being, for acceptance by others, I did not know a better way than to work hard. I wanted to be respected, my being acknowledged.

Years of toiling did not earn me what I yearned for. I started not working so hard? Or taking anything I achieved through hard work for granted? Those hard earned achievements also have slowly faded away over the years. I don’t know what I have been living for. I am looking for answers, some sort of explanation. I don’t know where to look. I feel trapped here. I am suffocating. I want this pain to end.