August 10 - 2019 (a day the world lost a beautiful soul)

SOUMYA - I feel my heart heavily sinking at your sudden departing from this world. Your death is a loss of life that was yet to bloom. Some people may have cast you aside dismissing what you might have been thinking in the heart of your hearts - many times, or what you could be one day with enough support. My heart feels a sharp sting, an acute pain at the thought of what your life could have been with the right kind of people around you, with the right kind of support.
A mere 25 years, a youth of potential unfolding - it is not fair for anyone to be removed from the world just like that. Your demise has proved yet again how temporary life is - EPHEMERAL.

- In memory of Soumya Dacharaju (Raju Babai & Padma Pinni’s second child).

‘Tis 2:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep 🤣🤣

Just when I thought that my sleep problems have left me alone for good, here I am wide awake at 2:30 A.M.  🤣🤣🤣

My sleep problems are like my shadow, my second self. At least, have been for a while. They are funny in the sense that they play peek-a-boo with me every now and then, at just the right time(s) - when I relax and think to myself that I have been able to sleep ok-ok past few days. It is as though, I jinx myself.

Any good thought I think to myself, I am afraid I jinx myself.

Ok. Now, on a serious note - I wanted to write something about my school & childhood friend of about or maybe more than 25 years on here. Her friendship means so much to me and it should definitely have a place here. More about it in my next post. Adios until then and now my endeavor for falling asleep resumes in the hopes that I become successful.

Sunday - October 20th 2019

A beautiful morning!

It is late fall and the temperatures are in the bearable range of 40s-60s (F).

We had been to Dandiya Night at the Chinmaya Vrindavan of the tristate chapter, NJ., yesterday evening; well pretty late in the night. There was this energy at the venue and my body wanted to lose control and dance. But you know, it has been a long while since I have been truly myself. So, I was kinda rigid and not really confident in myself. But my daughter, beautifully dressed and with a nice hairstyle that I had just seen on the internet and tried so hard to do (came out pretty well), she went on with the vibe, found a friend of hers and dropped all her inhibitions and kept dancing with the crowd for most part of our time we stayed there. I promised myself, I will take her to such occasions as long as is possible for me. My son, on the other hand is not good in crowds. He wants to stay in a comfort corner in my lap preferably. That was that. We came back home pretty late and by the time we changed and I carefully stowed away all the precious dress up clothes and accessories, it was even later. 

Since my marriage, we haven’t been so much out-going as a couple or as family. And after coming to the U.S., it has been more so. At least back home, we would go to places as this one huge batch of people. It used be fun in its own kind of way; though, the lot were mostly under the umbrella of elders, the next gen of adults (or still kids as the elder batch called and regarded us) NOT an energetic, fun loving, out and out batch. So after coming to the U.S., it was mostly we as a family cuddled and snuggled together and watching T.V., family and kids movies most of the time (weekends). The times we went out, primarily constituted visiting stores for groceries and stuff. Shopping with a couple of kids who are always complaining, constantly hungry, tired of walking or are making it their own shopping trip - So, NOPE, not so much.

But, yesterday felt good. And I was really wanting to find the free spirited me and letting her loose in the crowd for dancing her heart out - was the only thing I was really wishing for. Surely, will do better next year. But I am definitely happy for my daughter and a little sad that this environment of enjoying ourselves no matter the occasion/ festival or not, was really something that needs place and BIG TIME in this family (here in the U.S. / back home). 

As I sat down writing all of this in the sofa, with the blinds wide open (after I rushed the kids and hubby to BALAVIHAR - I did not go today, we were late waking up ‘coz of the late night movie yesterday - THE KARATE KID, which by the way both my kids loved), I just noticed that the tree which is right outside our children’s bedroom and can be seen from my patio glass door, is flowering in the FALL season! Unbelievable, isn’t it!? The flowers are a beautiful baby pink. Nature and it’s mysterious ways of manifesting beauty in unbelievable and exciting ways. It is just this, the feeling of being close to nature and the reminder that life thrives even in unfriendly conditions (referring to the frigid temperatures that are about to come), is just what I needed. 

Thank you!

A Promise - Daily Gratitude!

I promised myself that if I want to heal, then I would look forward to jotting down somewhere (anywhere) the little / tiny things in my day that made me smile and I am thankful for.

Since this is the safe haven for my thoughts and where I know things can never really be lost/ buried, here I am. 

Even before deciding to write down these thoughts/ feelings, I have observed something. That is, I am starting to really take in my surroundings when I am outside, truly enjoy the fresh breath of air, glance at the sky and smile, look at the squirrels, trees, leaves, the moon, the stars and the list goes on. It was this same connection, being in nature and believing to be close to nature, that made me immensely truly joyful from within and kept me smiling all the time; Stronger too. 

Love you Mother Nature! 

Another important thing about healing is;

Acknowledgement. Of the pain that one has been through. The source of the pain. And believing that the pain was real and in no way inferior or insignificant than the pain of anybody else. After acknowledging the pain, it is very important that the person not blame oneself for that pain and misery. Next step is Learning to love oneself. Embracing ones flaws, mistakes, mis-judgements, blind trust and anything else that made the person an easy prey for people to give pain in return. Loving oneself warmly and whole-heartedly. And let me warn you, the process of healing is not a smooth ride but there will come a time when it surely begins to feel smoother. And that is the time when we get our focus back on track - on ourselves and our own life. This is the time that we can invest upon ourselves to become much much more better versions of ourselves. I say that because the pain given to us by other people has already made us BETTER and STRONGER. We just did not see it that way. 

- Cheers